Happy New Year!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas celebration. This year all of our children were home, even though that meant we celebrated on Christmas Eve day to make sure everyone was included. Maybe because this was special for us, I listened carefully to other people sharing their Christmas traditions:

Jim and Joan, who say, “Christmas is Christmas.” They celebrate on the 25th, no matter who is home. When their distant children arrive a day or two later, they open their presents then.

Nancy, who spent Christmas day alone, in her pjs, watching classic movies. Her children traveled to visit their father and spend Christmas with him. As a divorced parent, Nancy has learned to make adjustments and avoid the pain of holidays spent apart from loved ones. Actually, she looks forward to it and still loves the holiday.

My brother, Dan, who spent Christmas Day at a homeless shelter serving lunch. It’s his ministry and his way to celebrate his own blessings. The next day he was on a plane to Hawaii, so he had much to celebrate this year.

Our Christmas Day was spent visiting our aging parents – separately –in their retirement communities on opposite sides of town.

I think back on Christmases over the years: the first one away from my parent’s home; the first one as a new bride; the first one away from my children. Each of these experiences marked a passage of some sort; a measure of the change in life. Some left me feeling hallow and hurt; some signaled an exciting new phase of my journey through life.

This year I felt, for the first time, like a true “sandwich generation” mom – balancing parents and kids (adults, but still my babies); thinking about the passing of the torch to the next generation.

Wrapped up in our changing celebrations are feelings of home, of family, of love. Sometimes the holiday feelings we seek seem elusive; other times we feel richly and fully blessed.

My wish for you as we enter this New Year is that you will find many occasions – the special and the ordinary – to experience the feelings of deep contentment, joy and love. And that you’ll discover new ways to celebrate the changing seasons of life.

Caregiver Certification: why it matters to you

Joe was a stubborn old man. Set in his ways, determined to do what he wanted, when he wanted, he was not about to let some young “girl” come in and help him with a shower.

“I’ve tried everything I know to do,” said one.

“Nothing ever works with Joe!” said another.

“I’m going to try what I just learned in my caregiver class,” said the third of the three caregivers huddled in the hall.

They knew that Joe hadn’t bathed now in several days, and his out-of-town daughter was coming to visit that afternoon. It would reflect poorly on their care if Joe was clearly a little too musky for comfort – not to mention making it tough for the daughter to relax and enjoy the visit.

One hour later Joe emerged from the bathroom with slicked-back, shiny hair and the scent of fresh soap, instead of the reek of body odor. The successful caregiver also had a glow, knowing she had achieved what seemed impossible. Even more important, it had been a positive experience for both Joe and his caregiver.

All three caregivers had good hearts. All three wanted to be the best caregivers they could be. The difference? Good training that taught the one caregiver important skills that increased her ability to be the best caregiver possible.

For family members selecting an assisted living community or home care agency this is a crucial difference. Compassion and a big heart are still vital, but skills training brings it all together and gives the compassionate caregiver the tools to deliver what the family is looking for – and the person receiving care really needs.

Personal Care Aide (PCA) Certifications are just emerging as one form of caregiver certification that is uniquely designed to prepare the caregiver for home-style caregiving. They typically cover all the basic skills required for care, including skills in communication, decision-making and respect for the rights of the person in their care. They reinforce, through the training, principles of independence, choice, dignity and privacy. A caregiver learns to see challenges through the eyes of the client, and to include families in the unit of care.

Many community colleges offer this level of training; high-quality, comprehensive PCA Certification courses are also readily available online through distance education schools. Within the coming decade PCA Certification will likely become the minimum standard for all direct-care workers.

For now, it is one way for families to feel increased confidence that the person providing care has more than a good heart: she has skills and a unique understanding of the difference a good caregiver can make in enriching the lives of the people in her care.

If you’re looking for a quality online caregiver certification course check out the Personal Care Aide Certification course offered by the Institute for Professional Care Education (www.ipced.com). IPC-ed is a school licensed by the Oregon Department of Education specifically dedicated to prepare individuals for work in care related professions.

Caregiver Certification eases fears

I remember hearing a family member tell me that leaving their mom with a new caregiver and walking out the door to go to their own home reminded her of leaving her child at day care for the very first time.

It’s scary. It means trusting someone you don’t know well to care for someone you love and feel responsible for.

Your stomach churns and there’s a sick feeling deep down. Your mind circles around the fear: what if the caregiver doesn’t listen to her? What if she speaks sharply to her, or is rough with her?

You worry if she really has the skills and knowledge to provide the care your mother needs, and the judgment to know what to do if something awful happens (a fall? wandering off?).

You wonder if your mom will ever forgive you for not caring for her yourself; for turning to strangers to provide care.

There’s no easy way to get past these initial feelings when you place your precious loved one (parent or child) in the care of someone else.

Here’s one idea, though, that’s gaining a lot of traction nationally: make sure that the caregiver has solid, formal training with a certification to show for it.

That’s a tough requirement, since most states don’t require caregiver certification, and many areas don’t even have classes to certify caregivers. It’s a fast-growing field for training however, and new online courses make certification available to anyone with an internet connection. Ask – and expect – anyone who provides caregiving to your loved one to be appropriately certified.

It might not take away the initial “first day” jitters, but it will give you a sense that you’ve taken one more step to ensure the safety and care of your loved one.

Online caregiver certification courses are available from a variety of sources, including our newly launched Personal Care Certification course from the Institute for Professional Care Education (www.ipced.com). For details, go to our website or call us toll free at 877-843-8374.

Caregiver love means laughter instead of tears

I’ve got 30 minutes until my next appointment and I need to buy a sweater. There’s only one person working the cash register, but the line is short so I should be OK.

In front of me are a middle aged woman and an elderly woman, probably her mother. They’ve got an arm full of items, but the cashier is working quickly, ringing each item up and folding it carefully.

The elderly woman hands a card to the cashier, who suddenly stops. She looks up at the woman and says, in a loud, slow voice, “This is your insurance card. Do you have any card that has a VISA or MASTERCARD written on it – down here in the corner like this?”

The woman looks through her wallet anxiously. I’m getting nervous for her (and checking my watch). She pulls out a few more cards: her social security card, a membership card, a Costco card. No credit card.

She glances up at her daughter with her head lowered and her eyes downcast. Their eyes connect. I wait for the blame to start: “Mom, what were you thinking?! How could you come shopping without your credit card?”

Instead, they both burst out laughing. The daughter quickly hands over her own credit card and the crisis passes.

For that moment, I forget all about my next appointment. All I can see is the warmth, love and patience that I have been privileged to witness.

Maybe the mom has a touch of memory loss. She might have Alzheimer’s disease and significant impairment. Her daughter clearly has spent the afternoon shopping with her, and clearly expects mom to pay for her purchases. It could have been one of those moments where caregiver stress maxes out the meter. The daughter could have simply lost her temper, and the mother ended up in tears.

Instead, they both end up laughing so hard there are tears in their eyes. They see the humor of the “senior moment,” and – instantly – the tension is gone.

Maybe they know, like so many other caregivers, that sometimes you’ve just got to laugh - or you might never stop crying.

Celebrate Family Caregiving

Here are two things you need to know: First, this is National Family Caregiver’s Month and second, if you’re not a caregiver now, you’ve either been a caregiver in the past or will likely become one in the future.

My conclusion? We should all celebrate this month together, since we’re all in this together.

You might think, “What’s to celebrate about caregiving? Isn’t that just an awful task?”

Here’s what family caregivers tell me, over and over again: “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was also, in the end, the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done.”

Mind you, most family caregivers don’t feel this way while they’re in the middle of caregiving. Those family caregivers typically identify more with feelings of exhaustion, frustration, stress and anxiety. They worry continually about their loved one falling, being left alone, needing more care, and – when they get a minute – about meeting all the other needs of their family, immediate and extended.

Sometimes, it’s not until the caregiving task is over and the caregiver gets some distance (and perspective – and rest) that they can look back and see what a rich, meaningful experience it was to care for a loved one.

Vicki says, “I got to know my father-in-law in a way that was so special. He and I became very close – it was a tremendous gift to me.”

Mary says, “I treasure every single minute I spent with my dad.”

Lorraine says, “I was my mother’s caregiver because she was my mom. It was an honor and a privilege to care for her.”

All three women remember how hard caregiving was. But all three women feel that their lives are richer because of their caregiving work.

This month, I celebrate Vicki, Mary, Lorraine and all the other family caregivers – past, present and future.

Sandwich Gen relationships take odd turns

I had lunch with my mom the other day. She was positively glowing. She’s been talking for several weeks about her new friend; now I’m starting to wonder: when do you ask to meet your mom’s new boyfriend?

What an odd experience it is some days in the middle of the sandwich generation! On the one hand, my three young-adult daughters still need some guidance and support. We have long conversations about finding “Mr. Right,” and I worry about who they are dating.

Is he genuinely interested in her? Does he respect her and treat her well? Is he financially settled or focused?

Thinking about my mom and her new relationship I realize that I have the exact same questions about her new friend.

Of course, this is my mom, not my daughter. I’ve chosen – for now – not to say, “So when do I get to meet this guy?” but to let my mother call the shots. She is an adult, after all. I am her daughter, not her mother (as she’d be the first to remind me).

But all the same, mom, I really think I should meet him sometime soon!

Sandwich generation still needs time for self

The term “sandwich generation” isn’t new. I was actually cleaning out my files during our last office move and found a newspaper article I’d written about the term over 20 years ago.

The experience of caring for our elders isn’t new, either, although it is becoming more and more the norm as our parents’ generation lives longer, healthier lives.

Blogger Kerri Zane recently wrote an article called “The crusty side of sandwich gen,” where she describes her experience being in the middle of what is nobody’s picnic: caring for her two teenagers, being a single mom, and helping her ailing 89 year old mother.

Her description of the challenges she faced after her father’s death are gripping: Figuring out how to do the tasks Dad always handled, while being in no way able to fill the emotional void he left behind.

“It is devastating for her and for me,” she comments, referring to watching her once “non-stop mom” now bedridden and frail.

Kerri finds a brief respite from her constant challenges during her morning workout. Kerri rightly sees these moments not only as important to her health and well-being, but truly essential to her sanity.

You might think that in 20 years those of us living in the sandwich generation might have gotten some breaks. We might have found resources, tips, ideas and technology to help us cope better.

Instead, I think perhaps our lives have gotten even busier. With cell phones and email we’re never out of touch, but that means we rarely get those precious times alone with our own thoughts. Our kids are doing more (that means more commitment from us); our parents are living longer (that means more expectations from us, too).

Like Kerri, my daily salvation comes during my walks. No phone, no conversation; just me and my thoughts. I try to notice the leaves, trees, streams; to find things in my surroundings that draw me out of myself and remind me that, indeed, life – though pretty tight here in the middle of the sandwich – is a very good thing.