A christmas wish for family caregivers

At my home town (Portland, Oregon) we’ve got more snow than ever recorded for this time of year. In fact, we’ve only had a white Christmas a few times in the last century. This year, we’ve got a foot of snow or more covering the ground.

But our family is among the lucky ones. We have no one ill or in the hospital; no one traveling from out of town that hasn’t already arrived and our aging parents are safely residing in communities that are devoted to their care and comfort.

This is the first Christmas that my in-laws (both in their 90s) are living in a retirement community after moving out of their home in the late summer. They’re happy, and they have no worries about frozen pipes, trees falling on the house, walking to the mailbox, or running out of groceries before they can safety travel to the store. They don’t need to worry about the roof or the gutters; the sidewalk or driveway.

My mother-in-law calls regularly to make sure we’re OK. In her voice, instead of the customary worries and concerns, I hear a lilt. She’s happy, warm and comfortable. She’s making new friends and enjoying the companionship. And she doesn’t even have to cook if she doesn’t want to.

I know that we’re lucky. Many families are just starting the process we began more than two years ago when we determined that the family home was no longer safe for the parents alone.

Some families are just now recognizing the problem. The solutions seem very far away. Christmas can heighten the anxiety about an aging loved one’s safety, as you see, maybe for the first time, how much the steady advancing of time has worn away at the person you love.

Holidays are a time that many families first notice their loved ones’ decline. That awareness can cast a pall over the entire holiday.

What should you say? What should you do?

Here may be a place to start: “Hey mom/dad. It looks like you could use a little help around here to make things a little easier for you. You certainly have worked hard all your life and deserve whatever help you can get now! Don’t worry; I’ll help you figure out what works for you, and you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Let’s just give it a try together, OK?”

If you think it’s time for your loved one to move to a retirement or assisted living community, ask them to simply give it a try with a temporary stay. Take them to visit and have a meal there (or 4 or 5). With my in-laws, it took several months and several visits. The last visit included all of their children and spouses – a group of about 10 of us – touring and sharing lunch. Finally, we got them committed to making a deposit and going back to prepare their home for sale.

We wondered if it would ever happen, but, at the same time, we were determined to let them take it at their own pace, as long as the pace kept moving forward.

Today, we’re convinced that it was the right move for them. It has given them a new sense of community; new friends; security and comfort. It has given us a tremendous gift of peace of mind, especially during the holidays and this cold, snowy winter.

My Christmas wish for you is that, no matter your situation, you find a way to peace of mind about your loved one. And patience, and persistence, and joy.

Caregiver Skills - How to videos teach needed skills

We've been developing our training videos for caregiver and nursing assistant training. One website, Howcast.com has great tools we've been using to build these training videos. Here's a sample: How to take a blood pressure (to learn more go to our website, CaringforMom):




Today I got their Holiday email with samples of How-to videos for the holidays and thought you'd like to see them. I know I'm going to check some of these out!



See more how-to videos on topics of all sorts at the Howcast website - it's a great site to know!

The family caregiver: should you feel guilty about moving mom or dad out of their home?

It’s been a cold, snowy week here in Oregon. The schools are closed and people are being advised to stay inside and off the roads if at all possible.

I called my mom first things to see how she was doing. She moved into a retirement center about a year ago – not entirely of her own free will. From time to time I wonder how much she misses her old home, set far out in the country surrounded by acres of pasture and woods.

She began our conversation this morning by telling me how no one wanted to walk outside in her village. The risks from a fall are simply too great at their age to take the chance.

My mom, of course, gets restless and starts calling her neighbors. “I have to get out to do laundry anyway,” she says. Her cottage is right next door to the laundry room; her closest neighbor is just one door further down.

By the end of the day yesterday she had joined one friend across the lawn for lunch (“she had made enough soup for an army!”) and spent the rest of the afternoon at her nearest neighbor’s place playing a 3-D version of Scrabble that’s her current favorite game.

I was, at that moment, so very thankful that my mom had moved into a close community of seniors. She’s not at home, alone, trying to stay warm and occupied.

She’s active, healthy and happy. Her mind and her heart are filled with activity and companionship.

We have much to be thankful for this holiday season!

Caregivers at the holidays - a brief word of advice

Holidays. The time of year when we’re all supposed to be jolly, worry-free and generous.

In reality, many families find it a time for stress. The pants fit too tightly; the calendar is jammed with way too little “down” time; and the relatives are coming.

Some families find holidays a time of discovery: mom or dad simply can’t function as in the past. Something needs to be done. Now, it’s a matter of who, when, what and how…and you know it won’t be easy.

Some families find holidays a time for renewed rivalry: you live closest to mom and run errands for her every week. Your sister, living worry-free (at least in your mind) on the other coast, cruises into town and is instantly the favored child.

It’s hard to get into the holiday spirit. It’s even harder to remember that, amidst all the noise, shopping and food, holidays are a time to celebrate life.

After all, whichever version of the holidays you celebrate, at the root is a celebration of life. The birth of a child who truly changed the world. The commemoration of an eternal flame and a new beginning.

You’ll find lots of tips, suggestions and ideas for getting through this holiday season in newspapers, magazines and online. But perhaps the best one of all is simply to remember why we celebrate, and to think, mindfully, every day, about the gifts of life that you’re thankful for.

And wear elastic-waist pants.