A christmas wish for family caregivers

At my home town (Portland, Oregon) we’ve got more snow than ever recorded for this time of year. In fact, we’ve only had a white Christmas a few times in the last century. This year, we’ve got a foot of snow or more covering the ground.

But our family is among the lucky ones. We have no one ill or in the hospital; no one traveling from out of town that hasn’t already arrived and our aging parents are safely residing in communities that are devoted to their care and comfort.

This is the first Christmas that my in-laws (both in their 90s) are living in a retirement community after moving out of their home in the late summer. They’re happy, and they have no worries about frozen pipes, trees falling on the house, walking to the mailbox, or running out of groceries before they can safety travel to the store. They don’t need to worry about the roof or the gutters; the sidewalk or driveway.

My mother-in-law calls regularly to make sure we’re OK. In her voice, instead of the customary worries and concerns, I hear a lilt. She’s happy, warm and comfortable. She’s making new friends and enjoying the companionship. And she doesn’t even have to cook if she doesn’t want to.

I know that we’re lucky. Many families are just starting the process we began more than two years ago when we determined that the family home was no longer safe for the parents alone.

Some families are just now recognizing the problem. The solutions seem very far away. Christmas can heighten the anxiety about an aging loved one’s safety, as you see, maybe for the first time, how much the steady advancing of time has worn away at the person you love.

Holidays are a time that many families first notice their loved ones’ decline. That awareness can cast a pall over the entire holiday.

What should you say? What should you do?

Here may be a place to start: “Hey mom/dad. It looks like you could use a little help around here to make things a little easier for you. You certainly have worked hard all your life and deserve whatever help you can get now! Don’t worry; I’ll help you figure out what works for you, and you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Let’s just give it a try together, OK?”

If you think it’s time for your loved one to move to a retirement or assisted living community, ask them to simply give it a try with a temporary stay. Take them to visit and have a meal there (or 4 or 5). With my in-laws, it took several months and several visits. The last visit included all of their children and spouses – a group of about 10 of us – touring and sharing lunch. Finally, we got them committed to making a deposit and going back to prepare their home for sale.

We wondered if it would ever happen, but, at the same time, we were determined to let them take it at their own pace, as long as the pace kept moving forward.

Today, we’re convinced that it was the right move for them. It has given them a new sense of community; new friends; security and comfort. It has given us a tremendous gift of peace of mind, especially during the holidays and this cold, snowy winter.

My Christmas wish for you is that, no matter your situation, you find a way to peace of mind about your loved one. And patience, and persistence, and joy.

Caregiver Skills - How to videos teach needed skills

We've been developing our training videos for caregiver and nursing assistant training. One website, Howcast.com has great tools we've been using to build these training videos. Here's a sample: How to take a blood pressure (to learn more go to our website, CaringforMom):




Today I got their Holiday email with samples of How-to videos for the holidays and thought you'd like to see them. I know I'm going to check some of these out!



See more how-to videos on topics of all sorts at the Howcast website - it's a great site to know!

The family caregiver: should you feel guilty about moving mom or dad out of their home?

It’s been a cold, snowy week here in Oregon. The schools are closed and people are being advised to stay inside and off the roads if at all possible.

I called my mom first things to see how she was doing. She moved into a retirement center about a year ago – not entirely of her own free will. From time to time I wonder how much she misses her old home, set far out in the country surrounded by acres of pasture and woods.

She began our conversation this morning by telling me how no one wanted to walk outside in her village. The risks from a fall are simply too great at their age to take the chance.

My mom, of course, gets restless and starts calling her neighbors. “I have to get out to do laundry anyway,” she says. Her cottage is right next door to the laundry room; her closest neighbor is just one door further down.

By the end of the day yesterday she had joined one friend across the lawn for lunch (“she had made enough soup for an army!”) and spent the rest of the afternoon at her nearest neighbor’s place playing a 3-D version of Scrabble that’s her current favorite game.

I was, at that moment, so very thankful that my mom had moved into a close community of seniors. She’s not at home, alone, trying to stay warm and occupied.

She’s active, healthy and happy. Her mind and her heart are filled with activity and companionship.

We have much to be thankful for this holiday season!

Caregivers at the holidays - a brief word of advice

Holidays. The time of year when we’re all supposed to be jolly, worry-free and generous.

In reality, many families find it a time for stress. The pants fit too tightly; the calendar is jammed with way too little “down” time; and the relatives are coming.

Some families find holidays a time of discovery: mom or dad simply can’t function as in the past. Something needs to be done. Now, it’s a matter of who, when, what and how…and you know it won’t be easy.

Some families find holidays a time for renewed rivalry: you live closest to mom and run errands for her every week. Your sister, living worry-free (at least in your mind) on the other coast, cruises into town and is instantly the favored child.

It’s hard to get into the holiday spirit. It’s even harder to remember that, amidst all the noise, shopping and food, holidays are a time to celebrate life.

After all, whichever version of the holidays you celebrate, at the root is a celebration of life. The birth of a child who truly changed the world. The commemoration of an eternal flame and a new beginning.

You’ll find lots of tips, suggestions and ideas for getting through this holiday season in newspapers, magazines and online. But perhaps the best one of all is simply to remember why we celebrate, and to think, mindfully, every day, about the gifts of life that you’re thankful for.

And wear elastic-waist pants.

A Thanksgiving Story

Three thanksgivings ago we sat down at the extended table with our extended family and felt so incredibly blessed we could barely speak. My father had survived a small stroke; my husband’s father had survived a heart attack and bypass surgery. We didn’t expect to all be together that year, but we were.

A year later, my father was dead and my mother in the hospital, unable to join us for Thanksgiving dinner. We rushed, somewhat numbly, through dinner, avoiding the traditional recitation of blessings.

This year feels a little like that particular Thanksgiving, on a global scale. It’s hard to find things to be thankful for (if you actually open your investment reports). It can be frightening, as companies and individuals we have long looked up to for leadership are faltering – maybe even failing.

And yet. Today the sun shone through the piles of golden leaves. I walked to work the long way, savoring perhaps the last nice morning of the month, feeling healthy, alive and filled with thanks.

Today, we had a chance to help a whole group of individuals begin their journey to become caregivers and nursing assistants. We connected with business associates who are challenged but persevering; and several who are thriving.

My children are spread out all over the globe; one in India and one in Israel. They’re studying, volunteering, and traveling. They’re excited about their adventures and fully engaged in their work of growing into global citizens.

Our table will be a little lighter this year for Thanksgiving dinner. Our bank accounts and investment portfolios are certainly a lot lighter. But when I count my blessings this year – out loud – the list will be long.

Happy Thanksgiving.

On caregiving - Fall into winter

It’s a beautiful fall day – the sun is shining, the sky is that special kind of transparent blue, and the leaves are already starting to fall. Standing by the kitchen sink this morning, I could see a constant rain of leaves floating down – sort of an odd “sky-is-falling” sensation.

I think today how very lucky I am, heading into this fall with good health, a happy family and work that I love. This isn’t true for every family, however. Just yesterday as I was waiting to see my doctor for an annual check-up, I overheard the man who entered just before me sharing how difficult and stressful his life is right now.

He’s lost his job and worries about losing his home. He’s a little past middle age, making these losses hard to take, and harder to recover from. Clearly, he’s not alone in our society today. Many people are hurting and many people have no idea how they’ll recover.

When we were younger, it was easy to think, “I’ll just get another job.” I’d say to my family, “Money is a renewable resource, so let’s enjoy what we have. We can earn more.”

As I get older the renew-ability of money seems less of a given. I know if I had to change jobs or careers now, it would be much more challenging than it was in my younger days. Individuals who have retired, assuming their pensions were secure and adequate, and now experience rising costs or disappearing pensions face an uncertain and frightening future.

Fall is, inherently, a time of reflection; a time when the bright fresh colors of spring and summer fade and fall away, and the cold slumber of winter begins. Our economic cycle seems to mimic nature, with October being a month of dramatic financial and stock market drops, perhaps preparing us for a winter of less abundant prosperity – this year, at least.

As my team and I work hard to bring more training and resources to the people who struggle to continue to care for their loved ones, I believe, more deeply than ever, that together we can find the joy even in winter. We can, perhaps, cozy up to a warm fire, create new friendships that give us encouragement and laughter, and come out next spring richer for our experiences.

So bring on the winter – we’ll get through together.

What it means to be a family caregiver

A few days ago someone said to me, “My mom is in an assisted living community so I guess I’m not really a caregiver.”

As we talked, the person shared how he visited several times each week; how he interacted with staff on his mom’s behalf; how he took her to doctors’ appointments and other needs.

It didn’t take long to realize that he was, in fact, a caregiver.

This morning I read a story written by a daughter that made me feel incredibly sad. The daughter shared how she was never treated by her mom as a valued daughter and was always compared to her brother, the perfect child.

Now, with her mom elderly, falling, losing her ability to think, remember and reason, she was turning on this daughter who was investing hours of her day, every single day, to helping care for her mom. This daughter was feeling more angry, resentful and hurt with every passing day. She believes her mother’s behavior is intentional and is designed to hurt her – and she’s losing the quality of her own life quickly, as the result.

This daughter is a caregiver, too. She’s a caregiver in desperate need of better understanding of the aging process her mother is experiencing, however. The harder she tries to make her mother happy, the more defeated she feels.

I want to tell this daughter that what she is experiencing is the disease her mother has – not a personal attack. The memory loss, probably related to Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia, is causing her behavior. It may be making what has been a lifelong pattern even more pronounced. It is certainly causing both the mother and the daughter much anguish and distress.

Family caregivers, whether hands’ on or indirect, whether close or across the country, are an invaluable part of the caregiving network in our country.

If we can give them support and the training they need to make it a joyful experience rather than a gut-wrenching experience we’ll be doing exactly what we need to do.

Caregiver Training Resources

Caregiver Christmas gift ideas