What do we do with Mom? Facing the needs of our aging parents

A friend cornered me at a social even last Saturday night.

“How do I get my parents to agree to move into assisted living?” he asked.

My first thought was, “Do you seriously expect me to answer that question on my way to get another glass of wine, at a party?!” but then, because I am so passionate about helping our parents the best way we can, I stopped to talk more about this.

It’s a question about 1 out of every 5 of my friends seem to be having these days.

What do we do with Mom?

How do we help Dad?

How do we make sure they’re OK, and maybe happy, too?

These are the questions we are all facing in our lives.

There are no “one-size-fits-all” answers out there. But there are some themes to guide us.

Quality of life. For me, this is the BIG ONE. I don’t really care where my parents choose to live. I don’t care whether they get help or not. I DO care if they are happy. If they are lonely, bored, depressed, or seem to have lost interest in life, they need a change. It won’t be enough for you to promise to visit more often – they need a bigger change than that.

Safety. This is the other BIG ONE. When my parents lived way out in the country – on the farm where they had lived forever, with their dogs, cows, goats, gardens, (wells and septic tanks, too), they were “happy.” But driving to the stores for simple groceries meant curving, country roads and at least 20-30 minutes. Driving to the doctors’ office, an increasingly more frequent outing, meant journeys of 45 minutes to an hour and a half, minimum, each way. The wood stove, the well, the garden, the hike from their house to the bottom of the hill to the barn – these things had lost their romance and now just looked like a great place to get injured. With driving being less of a good solution for either of them, how could they safely manage?

For both my parents and my in-laws, the solution was a senior living community. For my parents, it was a matter of safety. They chose a community, still out in the country, of cottages. It has a central “village” of services they can easily walk to, and a van if they need it for longer outings.

For my in-laws who already lived in town it was a matter of happiness. Socially outgoing people, they had lost nearly all of their life-long friends and companions. Staring at each other and watching golf on TV was getting old; the quality of life was quickly slipping away.

I won’t say it was easy in either case. It didn’t happen quickly. But we all agree today: it was a good thing. It was the right thing to do.

Caregivers Need a Break

Family caregivers, especially adult children caring for aging parents, need a break.

We've known for years that caregivers have a higher rate of illness - even death - than the person in their care. We know that caregiving is stressful physically, emotionally and psychologically.

We know that high blood pressure, sleepless nights, colds and depression are common problems among caregivers.

Now, another study of baby boomer adults caring for parents reaffirms these impressions, finding that "helping a parent results in a downward trajectory of health and well-being for the child." ("Routine Caregiver Duties Create Overload," Times of the Internet, Sept. 26, 2008)

Among the issues are the challenges of balancing many roles. Most baby boomer generation family caregivers are also working, managing their own household and caring for kids or even grandkids. They have parent-teacher conferences with their children, and then rush to their parent's home for caregiver meetings.

They are sandwich generation people, pressed down and put on the grill.

Giving caregivers a break may be as simple as giving them access to tools to help them cope. It may be offering support in terms of training for their role, so that as they face caregiving issues with their aging parents they know how to respond.

Knowledge, after all, can be one of the greatest stress relievers of all. And providing support in the form of access to training is something that can be done by anyone, from anywhere.

If you know of family caregivers that need a break, consider ways to help them gain access to caregiver training and resources. Contact us - we'll help.

What's Happening to Mom? - what to do when you first discover - or just suspect - your loved one has Alzheimer's disease

You’re reeling from the diagnosis the doctor gave you. Your loved one has dementia – what is that? What does it mean for him (or her) – and for you?

You’ve come to visit your loved one after being away for a while – and something clearly is not right. Is it Alzheimer’s disease? Is it something else – or just you?

You’ve just lost a parent, and the surviving parent seems to be totally unable to cope. You’re dealing with your own sense of loss, and struggling to make sense of what’s happening to your surviving parent at the same time. You need help!

You’re one of the millions of family members who is forced to face the daily consequences of the diseases causing memory loss and dementia, and figuring out what to do now is your first – and most important – challenge.

The Discovery

Typically, the discovery of a disease causing memory loss and dementia comes on slowly. You may be able to look back and realize that there were hints for months, maybe even years, before the moment when you came to the conclusion that Mom or Dad was not just become more and more “eccentric.” Some professionals refer to this period before the discovery as a period of “denial” when family members simply refuse to accept that something is really wrong.

More often, however, family members just don’t put all the clues together until something happens to bring the concerns to the forefront. That could be one pivotal event – Dad went out for a drive and got lost for hours before coming back home.

Or, even more commonly, the discovery comes on slowly, as, over time, you notice more and more signs of a change in your loved one.

Perhaps you realize that bills are not getting paid. Perhaps you notice that your obsessively neat parent forgot to shave for 2 or 3 days in a row, or neglected to change clothes for several days. Perhaps you notice a change in behavior – a use of language that seems out of character; a need for continual contact or reassurance that is unusual.

Perhaps your loved one looks at you with no recognition – or asks you why you never come to visit when you were just there yesterday.

Perhaps your loved one turns on you and threatens to call the police and report you for stealing money, wallets or possessions.

If you’re like millions of other family members facing this moment of discovery, your first reaction may be dismay, especially if you have other responsibilities in your life.

What now?

How on earth do I cope with this, in addition to my regular, busy, full-time life?

We'll explore these questions, and begin answering them, in future articles. Join us!